Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
