listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
