Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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