i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
