apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
