The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
