I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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