Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize