Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
