I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
