they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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