wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
