Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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