I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
