I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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