My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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