If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
