i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
