y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize