On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
