i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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