So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize