He uses pillows to masturbate.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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