you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
