I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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