And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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