Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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