Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
