I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
