I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
