Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
