My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize