I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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