Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
