just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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