Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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