There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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