I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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