Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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