Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
