oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
