Your face is a jimmy john
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
