I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
