this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
