Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
