I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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