Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
