You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
