Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
