she's into porn, im staying here tonight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
