oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
