The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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