Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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