I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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