Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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