I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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