Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
