Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
