I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize