you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
