That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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