Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
