If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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