god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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